Well legally Lacey was an adult at 18, but today she is 20! I no longer have a teenager!
I'm not sure how to feel about that. I mean it was yesterday that I was 20. I'm still 20...or feel it mentally anyway! There are times when it really does feel like I should still be making weekend plans with my friends. When did I grow up? I can't believe I have a 20 year old!
One of my most vivid memories is feeding Lacey and rocking her in the middle of the night. She was so little and snugly. This is a memory that I can see and feel and smell and hear! Our rocker was by the window and I could see the street corner and the light shone in on us. Lacey would look up at me and coo and smile. She would stretch and coo some more. I'm sure there were nights I was exhausted, but I do not remember any. I enjoyed our night feedings. It was Lacey and I, it was a special time. She couldn't talk but I knew what she was trying to say. It was a special bond and it was our time. There were times when those times were forever and she would never grow out of babyhood! 20 years old seemed an infinity away. It didn't even seem possible. That was also my time to really pray over the sweet baby in my arms. Special, special times!
My beautiful baby did grow! She's always had a sweet, bubbly, giving disposition. Add in sarcasm, independence, leadership, giggles, stubbornness and so much more and you have Lacey!
When her dance teacher, Ms Karen, died and we were preparing for her memorial recital, Karen's daughter, Nicole, wanted the girls to have one adjective that described them in a whole and a word that Ms Karen would use. This would be printed on their shirts. Lacey was having a hard time coming up with her word. Nicole would say "That's not quite enough to describe you." .Lacey was throwing out words and at the same time Nicole's eyes grew big and at the same time they said "JOY" and Nicole started jumping and dancing around saying, "Yes! Yes! That's it! Joy! That is Lacey!" Lacey has been paid a lot of compliments but I think for my heart that was the best! Lacey has been pure joy for 20 years!
I'm so thankful God was confident in me to give me this special gift. He entrusted me to raise her for Him!
Lacey wasn't supposed to be home for her birthday. She is a member of the Alpha Delta Pi Sorority and it is recruitment this weekend. I was really dreading her birthday and not celebrating with her or even talk to her!
Lacey took matters in her own hands! She had called on Sunday and asked if we could come see her on Monday. We did! We had a nice early supper and visit. We drove home and literally walking in the door when she called and said she had broken her ankle and friends were taking her to the hospital. One of the things I have feared was coming true, she was hurt and I was not there. She ended up with surgery on Tuesday morning and three screws in her ankle. The Doctor told her if she was going to break something, she should go all the way like she did. She came home with us, so we get to have her on her birthday.
Lacey Anyssa Darnell, I love you infinity and beyond! Happiest of Happy Birthdays!
A blah title but I couldn't come up with something better for this week full of emotions.
Sunday- Move In Day! Lacey went back to college. I probably do not need to say anything more! I tried really hard to be good! Lacey and I went to lunch and then sat in the car for at least 15 minutes afraid to say anything because we both knew we were going to cry. Last year Lacey was eager to start her new adventure, this year she was ready and excited but she knew what leaving home meant this time around. We were choking back words and tears and really couldn't look at each other. We gave in and teared up. We both had big tears rolling down our cheeks. I know she's ok and happy and where she needs to be, studying what she wants to do (for now), she has exciting goals, I can't be sad about any of that, but I miss my girl so much. My heart is incomplete without her around! I'm used to her sitting 2 feet away from me and making me laugh pretty much non stop!
Monday- It was really hard to get back in the swing of things. The house felt quiet and empty. I was waiting on Zane to get home from work when my phone dinged with a notice saying Robin Williams had died. Now I'm not the big celebrity type, but Robin Williams career spanned from my childhood on. Mork & Mindy was one of my favorite shows. I was sad to learn of his passing. The news started reporting suicide. A lot of people were very quick to share their opinions, to judge, to say things that some have no clue what they were talking about. I hope those people never have to learn about suicide first hand. It was a punch and a kick, leaving me mad and wanting to fight, sad and wanting to scream!
Tuesday- My dad had surgery! It was the first time I've been in the temporary Mercy Hospital. They have done a great job and everyone was so friendly and helpful. We were worried about him having had pnuemonia this winter and having anesthesia now. The surgery waiting area is in a long hallway. Although it's in the open there are plenty of chairs and other seating. Zane and saw my dad and then went out there to sit. We tried to get in a quiet corner because Mom was nervous. Here comes a family of 3 very loud, very obnoxious adults. There were lots of chairs around. But no they sat right around Zane and I. I mean in the next seat and right in front and on the bench. The one on the bench was talking on her phone, very loud, to a small child. That meant a million small sentences over and over for at least 20 minutes. My nerves were on edge and mom came out and handled it for about 1 minute. We moved to another smaller section of chairs. We only had 5 chairs in our section. As soon as we moved, she hung up the phone and they left! About 2 hours later Zane left for work and they had called mom back to recovery. They waiting area No sooner had she left than these 3 obnoxious people came back and sat themselves in my section. They were even more in my space and louder! Just when I was ready to grab our things and move down the hall, mom came out and we went to lunch! My annoyance level was HIGH! Oh yeah! My dad came out of surgery and anesthesia with flying colors! So I was annoyed, relieved and thankful!
Wednesday- There wasn't much on Wednesday except my youth group kids. It never fails when I'm feeling down and not amounting to anything, my kids seem to cheer me up and make me laugh!
Thursday- I Hate being the bad guy. I really do! I had to deliver bad news to one of our older boys in Haiti. We did not hold up to his promise if we helped him go to college. He flubbed it off and has acted very ungrateful. He did not have nice things to say. I know this is his fault and tough love needs to be used, but it's hard. Thursday night left me hurt, discouraged and frustrated.
Friday-Tonight I sit here reflecting on the week and all the mixed emotions. It's been quiet. Lacey has been swamped with sorority stuff. I have gone from constant chatter to 3-4 texts a day. Zane has been at work every night. I think it's a night to unwind, to not think of anything. I thank my God for keeping me sane, for loving me and having a plan for my life.
This summer has flown by. We have to move Lacey back to Springfield and into her sorority house this Sunday. She hasn't packed anything! A tiny part of delusional self hopes that means she's decided to stay home and hasn't told us! In reality I know it's going to happen and I just have accept it no matter how hard I try not to think.
I look back on the summer, we've spent a lot of time together. I'm thankful for the time. It's mostly been sitting in our living room! With my injured leg, her 9 month sleep deprivation, and all 4 wisdom teeth cut out, we haven't been out of the house a whole lot together.
I've loved it! I really have...but she has wrecked my living room. One day she was gone with a friend and it took me all day to clean the living room. She has decided the last week or two is craft time. Now I have paints, brushes, canvases, bowls, beads, glitter all over. I was really irritated until tonight.
Lacey is gone with friends to Branson for the day. Zane is at work all day and tonight. It's quiet in the house. I sat down in my recliner with my laptop. I looked over at the mess. I started to grumble. I looked on the end table and there lays Lacey's purse. Awww! Evidence that she is still home...she's not gone. YET!
I decided I better get busy doing something to take my mind off Sunday before I start feeling very sad! I start working on the web site. There's nothing on tv so I pull up my Itunes and start playing music. I'm working and jamming, forgetting everything else. Not one but two stupid songs play back to back.
The first was "You're Going To Miss This". That song is automatic, involuntary crying song. I have a love/hate relationship with the song! All work has ceased and I look over at Lacey's purse, then at her mess. I am going to miss this! I'm going to miss Lacey sitting 2 feet away from me!
If that wasn't bad enough, "There Goes My Life" played next. I'm both happy and sad she's not here to witness my tears. Happy and sad for the same reason, she would be laughing at me! I don't understand how she can hurt my feelings yet make me laugh uncontrollably at the same time.
Next week is going to be really quiet. I think that first week is the hardest to get thru!
Stupid songs... I was doing good. Stupid songs...
Now that Lacey is off at college, I find myself with way too much time to think. For me, thinking leads to worrying and worrying leads to worst case scenario. So I thought maybe blogging and putting some of my thoughts down might help myself. You never know, at some point I might come up with a clever thought or idea in the process!